When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Drink-it

Trashed Guy on Halloween: Dude... it's better to be drunk than to be on whip-its for even ten seconds!

-frenchman and decatur

Overheard by: I disagree

Cultural Awareness Now With Every Happy Meal

Hungry Girl: Oh order the whole meal! We could get some 'papas fritas!'
Ditzy Girl: What's that?
Hungry Girl: It's French Fries.
Ditzy Girl: Oh my God! That's AMAZING!
Puerto Rican Guy: Um, no... That's SPANISH.

-McDonald's Drive Thru

Overheard by: Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish

By Comparison, This Title Is Funny

Teacher 1: God this room is a mess.
Teacher 2: Don't worry! It's not nearly as bad as when Jim* worked here. Compared to how he left it this is amazing!
Teacher 1: Yes well, that's like saying the Jews have had it great since Hitler died. It's not much of a basis for comparison.

-elementary school

Overheard by: gentile neat freak

Go Into the Light, Carol Anne

Girl 1: GAH! Why do I keep looking at the flash?!
Girl 2: ...Moth?

-The Whirling Dervish

Overheard by: Minipeds

In Fact, You Probably Should Afterwards

Him: No, I can't come to your hotel room and swim in your pool. I have to get tested for AIDS.
Her: You can get tested for AIDS later!

-French Qaurter

Overheard by: Kramkrad

Samuel L. Jackson Spends His Nights Coding

Nerd At Bar: And by "woot," I mean "double u zero zero plus sign," motherfucker!

-Mojo Lounge

Overheard by: Pretty Princess

That's What I Call a Good Weekend

Teacher: and what would you be if you ran in the wet grass?
Second Grader 1: WET!
Teacher: and what else?
Second Grader 2: PUNISHED!

-playground

Overheard by: your mom

Too Bad He's Always Stale

Indie Girl: Christ on a cracker!
Indie Guy: um, where I go to church, Christ IS the cracker.

-uptown

Overheard by: the ex

She's a Parselcunt

Girl 1: You just say you're in Slytherin because you think you look good in green.
Girl 2: No... I say I'm in Slytherin beacause I'm a cold-hearted, manipulative bitch!
Girl 1: Um... touchee.

-Bennigans

Overheard by: Gryfflepuff Seeker

Double Plus Good Thing

Health Insurance Trainer: So, every time you log into the system, Big Brother is watching you!
Bookkeeper: Oh my god!
Health Insurance Trainer: It's ok, it's a good thing! Big Brother is watching me too!

-The Office

Overheard by: a lowly proletariat

That's Not Its Bellybutton

Girl #1: (speaking to a man sipping a martini) Your olive looks like it has a belly button.
Girl #2: It's called a pimento.

-Cooter Brown's

Overheard by: I Prefer Cosmopolitans

If Only He Were On the Myspace Webaverse

Man on Bike (looking at guy walking with 3 girls): Man, some guys have all the luck.
Disenchanted Girl: And some guys are you.
Man on Bike: No, see, I'm a singer around here. I'm on the youtube internets.
(Man proceeds to sing gospel music while riding bike next to the group of people, who are ignoring him. Man, perplexed, looks at Disenchanted Girl.)
Man on Bike: Are you Jewish?
Disenchanted Girl: Yes.
Man on Bike: I was wondering why no one was enjoying the music.
Disenchanted Girl: That's not why.

-Bourbon Street

Overheard by: The Moderator

Assuming He Brings The Cowbell

Drunk Hipster: You know who could save this party? Christopher Walken.

-Uptown

Overheard by: The Masked Offender

Now Found on the "Songs of Pedophilia" Compilation CD

Chorus of children's voices from the next room: I see London, I see France, I see somebody's penis!

-Summer Camp

Overheard by: Concernicus

Who, Sadly, Is an Albino

Man on Porch: He wasn't that dark, really.
Other Man on Porch: HE WAS BLACK AS THE APE OF SPAIN!

-Uptown

Overheard by: th shadow