Clean Up On Aisle 13

Random Yat(referring to parts for lamps): What's this section? Is this where dey have da three-way stuff? Oh, yeeeah, this is da three-way section! There's a three-way over here!

-Wal-Mart

Overheard by: H.M. King Mob

DIAF!

Kid: You dyed your hair red.
Adult: Yes, I did! What do you think?
Kid (with enthusiasm): well... if there was a fire, you'd totally blend in!

-in the hallway

Overheard by: are my roots showing?

Best Sushi In Town

(Two "Over The Hill" Frat Boys walking next to the cathedral)
Frat boy 1# (turning to Frat boy #2): She smelled like someone slapped her in the pussy with a wet trout!

-Pirate's Alley

Overheard by: DoomsdayKlock

So Sayeth the Bearded Lady

Girl: You sure are getting a lot of attention.
Man in female anime halloween costume: If I'd known drag would have gotten me this far I'd never have bought that puppy.

-Mojo

Overheard by: MiniPeds

When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Drink-it

Trashed Guy on Halloween: Dude... it's better to be drunk than to be on whip-its for even ten seconds!

-frenchman and decatur

Overheard by: I disagree

Cultural Awareness Now With Every Happy Meal

Hungry Girl: Oh order the whole meal! We could get some 'papas fritas!'
Ditzy Girl: What's that?
Hungry Girl: It's French Fries.
Ditzy Girl: Oh my God! That's AMAZING!
Puerto Rican Guy: Um, no... That's SPANISH.

-McDonald's Drive Thru

Overheard by: Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish

By Comparison, This Title Is Funny

Teacher 1: God this room is a mess.
Teacher 2: Don't worry! It's not nearly as bad as when Jim* worked here. Compared to how he left it this is amazing!
Teacher 1: Yes well, that's like saying the Jews have had it great since Hitler died. It's not much of a basis for comparison.

-elementary school

Overheard by: gentile neat freak

Go Into the Light, Carol Anne

Girl 1: GAH! Why do I keep looking at the flash?!
Girl 2: ...Moth?

-The Whirling Dervish

Overheard by: Minipeds

In Fact, You Probably Should Afterwards

Him: No, I can't come to your hotel room and swim in your pool. I have to get tested for AIDS.
Her: You can get tested for AIDS later!

-French Qaurter

Overheard by: Kramkrad

Samuel L. Jackson Spends His Nights Coding

Nerd At Bar: And by "woot," I mean "double u zero zero plus sign," motherfucker!

-Mojo Lounge

Overheard by: Pretty Princess

That's What I Call a Good Weekend

Teacher: and what would you be if you ran in the wet grass?
Second Grader 1: WET!
Teacher: and what else?
Second Grader 2: PUNISHED!

-playground

Overheard by: your mom

Too Bad He's Always Stale

Indie Girl: Christ on a cracker!
Indie Guy: um, where I go to church, Christ IS the cracker.

-uptown

Overheard by: the ex

She's a Parselcunt

Girl 1: You just say you're in Slytherin because you think you look good in green.
Girl 2: No... I say I'm in Slytherin beacause I'm a cold-hearted, manipulative bitch!
Girl 1: Um... touchee.

-Bennigans

Overheard by: Gryfflepuff Seeker

Double Plus Good Thing

Health Insurance Trainer: So, every time you log into the system, Big Brother is watching you!
Bookkeeper: Oh my god!
Health Insurance Trainer: It's ok, it's a good thing! Big Brother is watching me too!

-The Office

Overheard by: a lowly proletariat

That's Not Its Bellybutton

Girl #1: (speaking to a man sipping a martini) Your olive looks like it has a belly button.
Girl #2: It's called a pimento.

-Cooter Brown's

Overheard by: I Prefer Cosmopolitans